lundi 21 février 2011

Perfection and Honesty

Seem like good things but if you adhere strictly are a terrible curse.
I will give you three perfects

 The Citroen DS
The Jaguar XK 140
The way Francoise Hardy's skirt moves in the youtube of 'Tous les Garcons et les Filles'

Can't be arsed to pictures but only a moron in a hurry could fail to wikipedias these

yes Ruby Tuesday is my fucking name and I am a happily married big butch wood worker with THREE BRILLIANT GROWN UP KIDS and I LIKE WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHES . I have it ALL FIGURED out. It would be a great reassurance if someone else did. I'm really Grayson Perry with a circular saw -go figure
The woman who just saved my life is Melanie Safka. Still singing, a little older than me, fat and totally gorgeous. If you can't figure out why I adore  her just think of my name.

samedi 19 février 2011

Made in China


On top is a genuine Laguiole pocket knife made in the eponymous French town. You can tell it's the real thing because of the cowhorn handle with brass tips and an 'L' stamped on the blade. The blade is 78mm long and thus illegal to carry in your pocket in the UK. Axes and chainsaws are legal, it seems. This also poses the problem that if you buy a kitchen knife, how the hell do you get it home?

The bottom knife is a bargain from a French motorway service station.You can tell by the green plywood handle. It is made in China. Nearly everything is made in China. For all you know I might be made in China.

Some stuff is pretty good, it would seem. Peugeot lends its names to power tools made in China, but the m-i-C Fox mortiser I am trying unsuccessfully to get rid of is a piece of shit. A quick reality check round the workshop revealed that the good stuff was all made in Europe. We have big fuck off machines that were Made in England, but currently, most of the good British makes are made in Italy.

Call me old-fashioned, and chauvinistic, but I would rather support the ailing European economy than the booming Chinese one. And I don't like bloody Chinese food either.

Monsieur et Madame go Powershopping

First stop, the supermarket. very quiet as it's Saturday morning.
Stephanie Plum inspired cream cakes, gloves, as I've lost mine, one of those sticky roller things for cleaning clothes and two refills, no egg cups, but in a moment of optimism, fuck gel. Met a welshman and gave him a business card 'Are you expensive' he asked 'Very' quipped I. Put latter on top of first to see if cashier would bat an eyelid. She didn't, but we all laughed when Monsieur whipped out his Laguiole (it's a pocket knife you smutty-minded lot) to cut the tags off the gloves.
Second stop - serious ironmongers next door, while I bought a Lulu Guinness toilet bag and a Yes Smoking sign,

Madame browsed the woodburning stoves. The words '20 percent off' have a hypnotic hold over her, which was all part of our cunning plant to replace hideous cream Jotul with something black and cast ironish and around 14kw. Checkout impulse buy of bulb which might fit moped.
Move car to nearer town centre, put shopping in boot, and off to continue PS.
First stop, the pharmacy, where Madame bought two strengths of Nurofen.
Then on to baker's for an emergency croissant for Monsieur, where Madame also bought 3 loaves of bread. Stop outside as there was an Amnesty tat stall, and felt duty to buy something. Four tacky plastic egg cups with matching spoons!.

Buy right-on environment magazine from a greenie. Why do these  fucking people rabbit on so much? Have bought magazine and will presumably read it so why he intent on listing entire contents.

Slight contretemps about price of Parmesan in cheese shop. Her 'I'm not paying 20 fucking € a kilo' Me 'Don't think you have to buy an entire kilo'. The wiser counsel prevailed, and we left with a mere half-kilo, and a healthy chunk of Salers, which is the nearest the French can get to decent Cheddar.
Quick split - moi for more money from cash machine, elle for Golden Virginia. Market absolutely packed. so pausing briefly to say hello to the woman who makes and sells our local favourite rouge which she will hand pump from into whatever container you have to hand,

to tell her We Are A Grandmother, buy some Accras from the stall next door, and then to our 'local' of 18 years for a coffee. Forgot how fucking noisy it was - sound reflection from medieval stone walls and designer stainless steel. So not the best place for a mutton jeff bloke, and because of some silly law, you can't smoke a fag and drink an espresso at the same time. Just before we left, waitress presented us with two bags of baby clothes so we stagger out laden like bag ladies, for a quick roll-up outside.Monsieur is left guarding the plunder, while Madame shoots off to get the car. Monsieur soon gets itchy feet, and staggers off like two bag ladies to see if artist chum - incidentally daughter one's first teacher who wrote on her first primary school report 'Elle a maitriser la langue francaise'.
She not in so stagger back by a different route to see if old house was still there and if wisteria had bloomed.
Unfortunately, stroll interrupted by old lady who had fallen over. I know a lot about falling over, so staggered down to help. Fortunately a couple beat me to it, and we all processed back to old lady's flat. Old house (15c) still there and wisteria hadn't. Shuffle back to Cafe and wait for Madame to appear at secret parking place. She arrived dead on time, I loaded the baglady stuff into the pot de confiture and we sped off home.
Sat down, rolled one up, looked at mag. Even the article that an oil company wants to start opencast mining our beloved departement  for gas and bitumen in he schist didn't spoil the day. Etheral phone call to sister, who started wittering on about David Nash who does things with dead trees. Me 'So do I' her long pause.....


I always had him mixed up with the bloke in the Hollies. Still, seems I have bought this

and have finally got rid of awful orange background. So will celebrate by mending lav. From blog to bog, so to speak.

Madame and moi have house to selves tonight.
Might ask Ruby round
for a Ruby Murray

vendredi 18 février 2011

Knights in white satin

Barclays filth are to pay 1% tax on 11 billion profit.Does that not make you want to dance all night?
Pillars of the community. But they owe me for not letting me have my own money for three months and it is my duty to torment them. If the life of just one untaxed banker is taken, then I will die a happy man with 'You could not make it up' carved on my tombstone
But let's calm down and talk about photographers. I can't really do portraits, being more of an object man - the pillar box in Westminster is mine - double barrelled for letters to double-barrelled surnames.
Annie Leibowitz does wonderful portraits.
I WANT that dress!
Jane Bown's pic of Simone Signoret

The Tardis

I just remembered about my grandmother's jewellery box. It is, in fact a tiny little chest of drawers, reputed to be a Georgian apprentice piece. I've just had a very close look at it and everything checks out - should be worth a few grand but needs a little bit of restoration.

The really strange thing is nothing has ever been taken out, but lots has been put in. OH BUGGER HAVE LOST MY LIGHTER AGAIN. Calm down, calm down think lovely thoughts about women in stockings and stroke the big box of matches So where was I? Oh yes we have my gran's cheap tat jewellery, (I mean - clip-on earrings - what kind of fashion statement is that?) my wife's cheap-but-chic stuff, a few old ear studs belonging to her husband, pairs of our old glasses, small change (5 centimes to two quid - put the lot in bin much to wife's horror) and a supermarket receipt or two. Sorting the sheep from the goats - what a strange metaphor - which lot would you throw away - oh yes Handel's Messiah - We like sheep - so then how do you get goats in bin?

Also had to be very careful to save tiny pieces of wood essential to restoration, so whole business took several strangely calming hours. Further clue to it being what I think it is is a pencilled '1790' presumably done by a valuer. Oh jeez, now I'm thinking of secretaries in pencil skirts. CONCENTRATE AND GET APPROX VALUATION ONLINE.
Right, neither Sotheby's or Christie's have ever stooped so low as to sell one of these, and diligent research would seem to indicate it's worth £800. Blessed relief, as I'd much rather keep it than have a proper swimming pool - the huge (and I mean one can actually swim in it but I've never tried as I can't swim and have no desire to)   collapsible one we have is just fine. But I could build a beautiful above-ground jobby for about 1000€ - wondering if possible by May 26. Cake and eat it or what?
Oh - back to the Toulouse trip, you can buy swimming pools.here.

I am going to try and add a picture of the chest with the free piece-of-crap camera I have but don't hold breath. Last time I tried this I got thigh lenght kinky boots BEFORE the fucking French lorry. So I am going to publish and be damned.

mercredi 16 février 2011



A busy day - how many times do I have to say this? Please? Pretty please?

If I've got this right I was chauffeur driven to Toulouse airport to pick up my wife of 31 years (duration of marriage, not age, for the hard of thinking), back from her birthday surprise of a trip to Australia and we sat in the back of the car holding hands all the way. Vaguely remember having curry for lunch - her second that day as that's pretty well the only thing BA can do for vegetarians. The first leg of her trip (you work it out) was made on the new double-decker Airbus which is assembled in Toulouse. She had a nightmare change at Heathrow, where she had to do the four minute mile to get to the other plane, and was then buggered about because the freebie bag  from the previous flight had a small bottle of water in it. I've since read that the well-known health expert Cheryl Crowe reckons that having water in a fucking CAR gave her breast cancer, so fuck knows what having it on a plane can do.
Where was I - oh yes, I think I've just bid on one of THESE on ebay,

in roadworthy condition, but my mousing is not what it was so it may turn out to be a faux leopard skirt. I learn the hard way - the other day, for reasons to complicated to explain I bought some ladies' kinky thigh boots. But I do have good ebay days - somewhere in England is a 1/4 price wood turning lathe, waiting for me to pick up. Hungry need to see grandchild so I am off.